Nationals Baseball: Harper explores the Nats Gift Guide

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Harper explores the Nats Gift Guide

Ok... 212 possible choices! That's a lot of cra... I mean high-quality fashionable mlb sponsored merchandise! Yay! Hmm that's too many to look through, though. Let's set that recipient to "male". Wait... let me check... yep male. Ok 157. Now we can cut the pric....oh my god. What the hell!?

What the hell costs $9499?!? (and who's the genius that thinks that pricing it at $9500 would drive away potential buyers?)

Ah it's a crystal baseball bat . For Billy Crystal? Hey Hey! Or maybe this mysterious player. 10 to 1 that guy was a alien or time-traveler or something. Jesus - I could not go near that thing. I would just have to have someone throw me a pitch with a glass ball. Have to.

OK let's keep this budget friendly. Screw the fat cats on Wall Street. Natsbaseball is all about main street USA. Front porches and tire swings and kids playing choking games. $100 or less.

114 left. That's still alot. We can cut it down more - I am not much of a "collector". (though I am vaguely interested in what would be "collected" but not "displayed". An awful rendering of Nats Park, some sort of coin set in plastic perfect for... umm storing away? It even sits on a... storing stand I guess. Yeah - this is crap. I wouldn't want to display these things in my house. Kudos to you

Now I'm at 107. That only cut 7? Jesus, help me out here computer. I can do one more thing - choose my personality. Which one fits me better "All-Star"? Or perhaps "All-Star"? Ok I'm afraid to choose either of those because it must be some sort of test. The "clutch collector" would have to clash with the collector choice so that's out. I'm not a memorabilia maniac either. More of a lunatic of legacies. Let's choose the rest.

80. Damn. Let's knock out "Utility Player" (too Guzmanian) and "General Manager" (too Bowdenian). 65. This is getting tedious. Time for drastic cuts. I'm going to move the price from $20-$50 and knock off groundskeeper. I'm a manager or every-day player dammit.

16! That's more like it. Let's see what's first.... of course! HIDEOUS LIGHT SWITCH PLATES! How does it know I have terrible taste? must have been talking to my wife. A couple of ugly hats, some t-shirts. I don't need no more t-shirts. Bowls, clocks... I find none of this appealing.

Hmm, perhaps I'm looking at this in the wrong way. Maybe I made a mistake way early in the process. Let me make one little change... that did it!

Thanks computer! Happy Holidays!


Bryan said...

Not. Nice.

Harper said...

Santa already knows. Too late in the year to change my 2009 status.

Bryan said...

So, Santa isn't a big fan of the line of thinking that goes "between December 12 and December 24 Harper was good .750% of the time" either, eh?

Sec314 said...

An A-Rod Key Chain? Frightening.

Harper said...

Bryan - let's just say Santa isn't leaving a bargain basement Ben Sheets under the Nats tree this year just because Nyjer Morgan had the bestest two months ever.

314 - it's almost bad enough to be good. Now a Wash Post pic Zech Segovia keychain. that would be classic

Hoo said...

I hope you're getting regifted for Christmas. If you're very lucky, Santa will leave this under your tree:

BTW, Yanks and a Heels fan. You probably cheered for Russians at Lake Placid in 1980.

Bryan said...


Harper said...

Nick for Christmas? That's better than the year I got bread AND jam.

As for your shot at my favorite teams I have several responses.

Measured : "Born and raised in NY, went to UNC for college. What do you want?"

Tempered: "Does it matter that I cheer for UNC in football too?"

Die Hardian : "1980? I was 2 years old, dickhead!"

Fun Harper Fact: I once figured out that the longest championship "drought" for my combined fandom was just over 5 years.

Fun Harper True story : I don't really care about hockey (or the NBA), but before I went to college I tried to pick up hockey. Figuring I should pick a traditional Canadian team, I went with the Quebec Norduiques who had just missed the playoffs again for the 6 time in 7 years. They went on to have the best record in the NHL. Then they moved so I pretty much gave up on following them but they did go and win the Stanley Cup. I've tried again to like hockey since I'm down in the Raleigh area - and even my casual fandom has lead the Hurricanes to two stanley cup finals and a win. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm God.

Bryan said...

"and even my casual fandom has lead the Hurricanes to two stanley cup finals and a win."

And yet, for the Nats that you blog about: Nothing. That just makes me question your actual level of interest. Don't make me get my Nats, er, uh, news, elsewhere.

Next: I think the "fun" part of the "fun facts" should be reviewed and reconsidered.

Next: 5 Years? 5 YEARS?! Ok; I officially hate you. 5 YEARS!? Seriously!? Its been... let's see... Eagles fan, Nats fan who converted from the Phils (good timing there, huh?) ... carry the 1, divide by 2. Oh yeah, that's right my drought is MY ENTIRE FRIGGIN LIFE.

Harper said...

Tell you what. Toss me an NHL or NBA team to follow and I'll drive them to a title.